


Family matters

by Floopzididit



Category: Figure Skating - Fandom
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:34:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 12,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24923188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floopzididit/pseuds/Floopzididit
Summary: The family that was one of the best accidental aligning things of the sky stars that we’ve ever known in the world is that of the ice dance Teams of Zhuk and Svinin. This is their story of love, acceptance, money, murder and good grades
Relationships: Family - Relationship, Love - Relationship, Marriage - Relationship, Parenthood - Relationship





	1. Chapter 1

Today was the first day ever that the queen of expression herself would ever skate in her life once the quarantine she had to do for a long time was over. She missed her partner and divorcee Ivan but the most people she missed even more was her kids Sofia and Igor. They were the apples of her oranges, the chin chin to her hip hip. She eventually after a long time of standing in her bed got up to get ready and right as that happened her partner in criminal activities called her. The conversation continues as follows  
“Hello this is Sasha Stepanova please Venmo me $6 to continue speaking”  
“No <3 hiiiii Sasha I have a question and I hope you don’t have one for me. Did you see the texts from the family group chat last night”  
“I didn’t what’s the family group chat”  
“Oh sorry I deleted you. Ok anyways our little bundle of trouble Igor wants to call a meeting after ice time today. Let’s hope he isn’t trying to defect to Lebanon again hahah”  
“I hate you, see you in 10. Wear the cherry lip gloss so I don’t vomit when I kiss your beautiful lips. Bye bye ugly <3”  
“Ok don’t forget to bring your socks”  
The phone hung up on itself just when it was supposed to. Sasha decided to briskly swim as fast as possible across the Moskva river to the rink. While getting caught underwater in the occasional undercurrent she pondered what Igor needed to tell her and Ivan...Hmmm she couldn’t put her heads shoulders knees or fingers on what it could be. She did notice a few very strange charges to her sons credit card that were addressed to something called onlypants. Wait that wasn’t the name. Whatever it was...something seemed quite not quite right about this all thing. Then her thoughts carried her away to the beautiful story of her adopting Igor. His parents (rip in peace) were the best and most prolific gas station owners on the Finnish border but sadly decided that they couldn’t afford the Gazprom bribes and raising a son so they handed him over to Sasha and Ivan. Ahh the good old days. She remembered the first day she took him to the rink in the trunk of her car and he was crying so much but then when he put his skates on and they played Believe by Cher his face was set on fire with a happiness only someone that didn’t live in Russia could have. She’d loved him ever since. Boom! Oh no she hit a sand dune. Ok this is her stop she’s getting out of the water and walking up to the rink now.


	2. The rink where the things that happen do

She walked into the rink with about seventeen minutes too much and was able to watch her little skating slave, Daniil Gliekenghauz, doing the zamboni work. She smiled and waved at him and he accidentally cum in pant. The rink was ready and the day begins. As usually her and Ivan enter from opposite ends of the rinks and skate as fast as possible towards each other and make contact center ice and whoever falls over has to be the lifter that day. Ready set go! She woke up looking at the ceiling! No! All this covid19 time she couldn’t be skating really had her tackling skills off. Ivan reaches out his hand and she sliced him down the middle palm with her skate and they began the day. Finnstep L5 MB KP YYMV +34.09   
That’s enough of that for now. They went over to the benches to take off their skates and then put them back on and then take them back off again. And also talk like the parents they are.   
“You did good today baby”  
“Yes I did and you disappoint me Ivan”  
“Ok :) so did you miss our kids I did so much they are the light of my life. I also built a car in quarantine did you do anything fun”  
“Ok that’s too many questions for you to be saying without any punctuation big shot. Yes I did miss our kids I hope they held up ok during all of this away from their loving, amazing, sexy, cool and diplomatic parents”  
“I called them a few times but Sofia didn’t have very good service I think she went to space again also Igor would just cry all the time so I would kind of just answer the phone and then walk away from it and watch animal planet while he talked”  
“IVAN! You know I was very busy having a lot of time dedicated to myself and making money by scamming Cambodian senior citizens. You were supposed to be the emotional support parent last month! What if there’s something really wrong with our baby Igor! And what if Sofia never made it back out of the rocket and needs the oil changed!”   
“Look I gave them both the number to my god cousin in law Alla Pugacheva and she said she would handle any trouble”  
“The same woman that drives her car on train tracks!!... You are so stupid and I am reminded every day why I divorced you...let’s go fuck in the shed with all the emergency fur coats we have five minutes before our meeting with the kids”  
“Ok you know me so well I’m like a book you’ve read all the time and I love when you say the lines inside of me”  
It was the best worst reunion sex they’ve ever had so far. 37 seconds in heaven. Anyways they both threw themselves back together to be the adults and went over to the cafeteria to have a discussion that would change the course of history not as much as they think it would


	3. The voice of a generation has a talk

“Mommy! daddy!” Both of Sofia and Igor screamed with a little bit too much of separation anxiety as they ran over to their de facto parents.   
“Wait a second...something doesn’t seem not quite right about how you both look today” noticed Sofia with her voice  
Sasha and Ivan realized they did the old freaky Friday and put on each other’s clothes while in the hustle and bustle of returning from the coat closet of coitus.   
“Ivan is just being very in touch with me but like normal I don’t want him too close to me so I just gave him my clothes instead” Sasha excused their behavior in a sentence.   
“K well we don’t really fucking care sit down uglies”  
They all sit on the table and chairs.   
Sofia looked at Igor with a look only a sister could love and he took a long deep inhale and then exhaled. And then did that again. Then held his breath for a little bit. Then he started to talk “mom.

Dad. 

Um”  
The suspension was like a bridge and between this little meeting cutting into their nicotine break and the excitement and mystery with what Igor was saying or not saying they were starting to feel like they might have to fake a seizure to get him to spit it out.   
“Baby you can tell mommy and daddy anything” reassured the mother   
“Yes son you know we love you so much so whatever you say will probably not make us that angry but even if it does we will get over it in about an hour”  
He looked at them with eyes that had tears kind of trying to escape. They knew it was something big!  
“Mom. Dad. SIT DOWN SHUT UP AND LISTEN I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY” screamed Igor at a volume that was louder than an inside voice. Both Sasha and Vanya widened their eyes with confusion and intrigue.   
“I LOVE MEN AND I WANT TO BE DEMOLISHED BY A COCK LIKE THE DOOR TO HELL IN TURKMENISTN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE EVERY SINGLE DAY AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT”

Silence fell upon them all like a mouse that stops walking in the kitchen when the cat drags itself in looking for a midnight snack.   
Igor realized he didn’t have to be so aggressive anymore and sat down with a smile ear to ear probably about 400 watts of happy with himself and waited for them to say something. Sofia gave him a thumbs up and applauded into the conversation. “Awww son that’s so cute! We’re so happy for you! Come give us a hug!” And they all embraced each other like there wasn’t even a deadly pandemic. “So are you not mad at me or are you going to disown me or maybe try to sell me into human trafficking in Azerbaijan?” Asked the loud and proud son  
“WHAT NO! We love you no matter what and it’s very cool to be gay now!” Said Sasha  
“Yeah I think this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me” said Ivan crying a little bit too much with his shoulder over his little family “I’ve never understood Lady Gaga but I think she’s such an interesting artist and now I have my own little Rosetta Stone to help me understand”  
Nobody really understood that at all but it didn’t matter. They were one big happy family and nothing could tear them apart not even a sin that ends up with being damned to hell for eternity. Now there were a few logistical situations that would need to be discussed parent to parent but for the moment it all felt so good and happy and wonderful to be back with their kids in their unique and diverse and talented family <3


	4. Going into a world of new normal

“ Igor we are so proud of you and we should celebrate!” Said Ivan “lets go max out Tarasovas credit card at Dave and busters tonight! It’s all on grandma but she doesn’t know it yet!”   
They all laughed and knew Tatiana would probably yell at them but they could outrun her. And so they continued back to the ice to keep training like the little engines that could do so. Throughout the afternoon there were monologues that went through all of their heads and this is what they had to think about 

Sasha: wow this is a moment I will never forget and I shouldn’t be forgetting if I know what’s best for me. This might be the most important day of igors life so I need to be the best mother ever tonight and I’ll have to be ok if he steals the night stand I want. I will ask god for strength now. God or whatever listen as much as I am so connected to my boy right now with the bonding experience of us both loving thick veiny cocks please grant me the peace of mind to let go of any man that ends up loving my son more than he loves me. This is the biggest sacrifice I’ve had to make so far but I will never underestimate my maternal instinct and also if they give him an STDUI give me the courage and money to call my hitman mr Poirier to take them out Dahmer style. Love you xoxo wow that was so brave and inspiring of me to pray I hope my boy is doing ok and I hope we gave him enough support 

Ivan: this is great! Everything is so good! I wonder what it is like to be gay….. i guess it’s probably like when I make out with myself in the mirror except the reflection looking back at me would be a different person. The only thing that’s not adding up to me is how do they get kids….. wait how do they even have s*x!!! There’s so much information that he will need from his dad and I’m not the father to have any of it right now. I’ve got a lot of work to do and nothing will stop me from being the best dad to a gay son ever of all time. I think I will call my good, scary, sadistic and volatile friend Paul later and sort through these mental gymnastics i have been flipping on. 

Sofia: I don’t know why that even had to happen I thought we all knew this… ever since I saw Igor when we came to the rink I knew he was gay and that’s why I chose him to be my brother. Also I thought it was really clear when he synced his phone up to all of our apple watches that one time and we kept getting Grindr notifications for 7 hours nonstop. How did they not catch on..? Also when he got kicked out of university for plagiarizing Madonna lyrics as his own creative writing thesis. My parents are so stupid I’m glad I’m the one with all the brains in this family otherwise we would be in so much trouble. Anyways I wonder how much tidal changes would occur if earth has three moons. Well 0.117 (≈ 2⁄17) and when the pacific is typically warmer then 0.01230 (≈ 1⁄81) so that would be 23 and then if I think about (dp) is 1.883 · 106 km. So we would all be not above water. Hmmmmmmm

Igor: I know that we are young  
And I know that you may love me  
But I just can't be with you like this anymore  
Alejandro  
She's got both hands  
In her pocket  
And she won't look at you  
Won't look at you  
She hides true love  
En su bolsillo  
She got a halo around her finger  
Around you  
You know that I love you boy  
Hot like Mexico, rejoice  
At this point I gotta choose  
Nothing to lose  
Don't call my name  
Don't call my name, Alejandro  
I'm not your babe  
I'm not your babe, Fernando  
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch  
Just smoke my cigarette and hush  
Don't call my name  
Don't call my name, Roberto  
Alejandro  
Alejandro  
Ale-ale-jandro  
Ale-ale-jandro  
Alejandro  
Alejandro  
Ale-ale-jandro  
Ale-ale-jandro  
Stop, please  
Just let me go Alejandro  
Just let me go  
She's not broken  
She's just a baby  
But her boyfriend's like a dad, just like a dad  
And all those flames that burned before him  
Now he's gonna fire fight, gotta cool the bad  
You know that I love you boy  
Hot like Mexico, rejoice  
At this point I've gotta choose  
Nothing to lose  
Don't call my name  
Don't call my name, Alejandro  
I'm not your babe  
I'm not your babe, Fernando  
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch  
Just smoke my cigarette and hush  
Don't call my name  
Don't call my name, Roberto  
Alejandro  
Alejandro  
Ale-ale-jandro  
Ale-ale-jandro  
Alejandro  
Alejandro  
Ale-ale-jandro  
Ale-ale-jandro  
Don't bother me  
Don't bother me, Alejandro  
Don't call my name  
Don't call my name, bye, Fernando  
I'm not your babe  
I'm not your babe, Alejandro  
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch  
Fernando  
Don't call my name  
Don't call my name, Alejandro  
I'm not your babe  
I'm not your babe, Fernando  
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch  
Just smoke my cigarette and hush  
Don't call my name  
Don't call my name  
Roberto  
Alejandro  
Alejandro  
Ale-ale-jandro  
Ale-ale-jandro  
Alejandro  
Alejandro  
Ale-ale-jandro  
Ale-ale-jandro

The day eventually began to come to a complete day of training and they all said a temporary farewell while they went their separate ways back to the house to get ready for a fun night of two dollar margaritas and arcade games.


	5. A night on the town of David and Busters

The family had never looked more important and never looked so sleek, original and vogue Italia as they all stepped out of Sofia’s Volkswagen to the scene of the night. The notorious only Dave and Busters in all of Russia. They had all made a pact that unlike usual they would not be performing a family heist tonight. This was a special occasion and all the attention should be on Igor not on embezzling corporate funds. They sat down in the booth and all were so happy. Ivan started asking Igor about his favorite type of noses he liked on a man. But Igor was feeling a little shy like Bambi and seemed distant and a little dissociative throughout the conversation. “Igor honey are you ok, you’re acting like you’ve never yelled at us about your love for dick earlier today..” asked Sasha   
“Well, I’m just nervous. I’ve never been out to anyone and now I feel like a secret agent to all these other people I’m looking at in this restaurant” meekly said Igor   
“You dont owe anyone anything son!” Said Ivan like the dad that was Igors father “do not feel ashamed of anything and if someone looks at like they want to start a little hate crime I will simply show them who your father is and fuck them like a jackhammer they’ll think they got a rare strain of chlamydia with a side of brain eating amoebas”   
“Dad! I love the support… but YOU don’t have to BE gay to be a good dad you know that right”   
“I don’t believe you and everything in that sentence is wrong and I will not follow that advice”   
The waiter quickly came over with their chicken fried steak and oatmeal gumbo and they all got distracted by the interesting cuisine of a land far away, a land that at that moment almost seemed like it would be better for their son to live in. Ohio. But the cinnamon and oregano of their exotic dish mixed with the discount bathtub moonshine of the margaritas quickly brought them all back to the little universe of their booth and they decided it was time to hit the arcade and try to ethically steal as much as possible from the establishment. Sofia and Igor ran off with youthful vigor and many a coin’s today begin their scamming. Sasha and Vanya lesuirely walked through the flashing lights of the whack a mole machines and something about the evening sparked a little romance between them but not the kind that would have them trying to get married again. They felt like the parents they were supposed to be. Together <3\. They sauntered over to the open bar and ordered a shot of tequila that they both drank down the pipe like a champ.   
“Ivan so you think we’re doing this right...raising our kids in this hell hole of a country. I hate Putin. I want to circumcise him”  
“Oh Sasha of course we’re doing everything right! We’re going to be famous because we will be the first parents of the first gay kid ever in Russia and were so famous already that they won’t mess with us”  
“It’s embarrassing you think it’s so simple you nincompoop. We are going to have a long and winding road every day for the rest of our lives but I’m glad I have you in the car with me <3”  
“Ok gross you’re getting weird I’m going to go bowl” and like a sneaky little alley cat he was off to his little activities. Sasha sat in her chair like a snow leopard awaiting her prey to walk right into her little trap of being a vixen, a praying mantis that will decapitate the male race, a goddess sitting upon the acropolis then all of a suddenly she looked across the bar and saw a familiar face that was talking to Igor. This was probably the worst man to ever take away her sons virginity and if she had a say in it this would not occur. Approaching the man and her son she saw him suspiciously hand over a few rubles and nod towards the bathroom. Luckily Igor saw his mother with a look in her eyes that said bad news and told the man he needed to go empty himself in the woods first. The evil man acquiesced and headed to the bathroom for a waiting room experience before the heavenly nirvana of a slice of Igors bodily baklava. As Igor went to rendez vous with his father for further instruction like they typically do in situations that call for it Sasha gave him a look that he knew she meant business. She walked to the men’s room, swing the door to the third stall open and sliced the neck of Alexei Yagudin Straight through with one of the Crown Jewels she had stolen from the queen of England herself. Today was going to have a lot more adventure than just a homoerotic awakening


	6. Getting rid of a body that should’ve be gotten rid of a long time ago

Well well well it seems that this family avoided a heist but got away with a murder this time around. They all just kinda looked around the bathroom at each other questioning how they were going to get Yagudins nasty little corpse out of this Dave and busters. Sofia walked in the bathroom because her family delinquency senses were off the roof and then she laughed. “It’s about time somebody did that to the ugly little snake Alexei” they all laughed quietly like a pack of hyenas it was true. “Well we gotta do something before a waiter takes his bathroom break and walks in here looking for a pee time and sees a dead guy” said Ivan. Then all of a sudden at the speed of very slow Igor took out his pocket knife and began to slowly make little incisions severing Yagudins limbs into snack size pieces. “We can flush some of him away but I hope you’re all hungry because we’re going to have to eat a little bit of our way out of this mess” he said. Ivan puked and then Sofia did too and then after a moment of thinking everything over Sasha joined in from thinking about eating Alexeis crusty unmoistirized leathery scaly epidermis. They were ready. At first they flushed all the big stuff down the toilets one by one but saved the best cuts of meat for their own pipes. “Here goes nothing” they all thought as they looked at the human meat that would be about to be what they were going to eat right then. “WAIT!” Said Sofia then she took out her lighter and made the remaining cuts of beef into Yagudin Jerky so they wouldn’t get cholera or whatever disease he would have stored in those cells of hatred. It actually wasn’t that bad and they managed to finally eat the rest of Yagudin in about two hours and seventy ten minutes. It was honestly an amazing stroke of so much luck that nobody had to use the bathroom and they had it all to themselves for a little cannibalism bonding time. Well that was enough excitement for this chain restaurant and swiftly as a goose they flocked over to their table left a few rubles and sped out of that place like bat with its tail on fire getting the hell out of dodge.


	7. The night is old and it’s time to put it down

Silently they all sat in the car as Ivan recklessly drove on the wrong side of the road going back home. They didn’t really want to talk about what they just did but they knew the world would be a better place because of it. “Igor honey…..how did you know what to do in that situation so instinctively…” questioned mother Sasha. “Well” Igor started laughing, like a little kid that cut out the bottom of a Pringle’s can and ate all the chips before leaving Walmart, “one time I was following Paul back to the hotel secretly without him knowing because I wanted to surprise him and see if he’d pay me for my virginity but I accidentally scared him and he ended up killing a maid after a ten minutes of us making out in the hotel hallway so he showed me how to get rid of someone if I ever found my feet walking that path again”.  
“Well son if you were in the Boy Scouts I think you’d be the president because that was the most smart and resourceful and useful thing I’ve ever seen anyone do in my life this month” praised his dad “that Paul Poirier sure can teach a man a lesson or two”. Then an idea struck like a match in his head and he had a plan but he isn’t going to be saying it out loud but it would definitely be a solution to one of his woes of fatherhood to a gay boy. They were just all relieved that they didn’t participate in corporate fraud tonight even if the alternate was a little homicide. After talking to the seventeen policeman that pulled Ivan over and then getting back on the correct side of the freeway they pulled into their little cottage and headed in for a night of sleep with queezy stomachs. Before going up to their rooms for bedtime Sasha and Ivan kissed their kids on the foreheads and told them they loved them so much and then told Igor that if he needed to be a little vocal during his self exploration time tonight it was ok because this was a big day for him. The kids ran up to their beds like two little monkeys rummaging through the rainforest trees and Sasha and Ivan went to their own room to catch a nice peaceful two hours of slumber. They both spit on each other’s faces then hugged put in their earplugs and said goodnight as usual. As they both lay in their bed they had some inspiring and therapeutic things that came into their head. Sasha closed her beautiful eyelids and began to think of how wonderful motherhood was. “I am so proud and happy and brave and cool to have an amazing son like Igor and a wonderful daughter like Sofia. I really did so good raising those two the past two years and at this rate I should try to run for president because everything I do is right, correct and helpful. I’ll have to take us all on a family outing to the Black Sea this weekend. Omg can’t forget to book the flights!!! I’ll have to steal Daniils wallet when I see him tomorrow because I don’t deserve to pay for anything. Ok goodnight to myself and me and I, I love me <3” and she drifted away to a peaceful dream of having sex with an Aboriginal man in the Great Barrier Reef. Ivan on the other hand was turning, tossing, and boiling like a tray of green beans. He waited until his estranged wife finally drifted off into dreamland before he relaxed the tension in his shoulders and began to think through what he was going to do about the road that lay ahead of himself. “Igor needs his dad right now and I know what I have to do” he thought. He leaned over sneaky as a magpie and got his phone, opened his messages and began to type away.  
“Hiiiii!!! So I know we don’t talk all the time because you sometimes seem like you may want to harvest my organs but I have a small favor to ask of you :) my uhhh” he had to stop to not give away any details this was a very serious and confidential thing for everyone “my cousins friends aunts best friends husbands cousin just came into my closet and he needs some help explaining how gay people do sex things. Soooo :)))) I was wondering..in order to help him out with some advice, pointers, inspiration and brainstorming, could you maybe have sex with me for like a week to tell me what he’d need to know ;)) xoxo thank u so much love Ivan” 

He hit send. It was done there was no turning back now. He put his phone back on the nightstand then just like the clockwork of the hand of a clock his phone buzzed and he grasped for it like a drowning baby grasps for the air above water. 

“Lol hey buddy. Yeah I can help your friend cousin of an aunts husband friends cousin! I’ll actually be in Russia this week so I’ll hit you up while I’m here. Love, Paul” 

Ivan sent him a the eggplant emoji and an airplane emoji then put his phone under his pillow and breathed a sigh of relieving relief. He would finally be a guiding light for his lost little boy. He was able to eventually drift off into the abyss of sleep with a peaceful mind.


	8. Good morning to tomorrow and the rest of the week after that

The sun opened up its eyes like a chicken ready to eat scrambled eggs and the best Tuesday of everyone’s lives was about to happen and maybe more. The family all sat down at in the breakfast room of the house and just like clock work Sofia said “I’d like an orange juice and a coffee please” and everyone laughed so hard they thought their catheters would fall out!!! Such an amazing, cool and fun morning. They all sat down, prayed to Mecca, Jerusalem, and Giza then began to eat the best breakfast Sasha has ever made so far which was minestrone smoothies with Sriracha glaze. Spicyyyyyyyy. Ok time for everyone to go to work. They all grabbed exactly what they had to get and made their own separate ways to the rink once again. Sasha once again semi drowning in a violent undercurrent began to think about how to steal Daniils wallet. “Maybe to distract him I’ll use my pet salamander as a decoy and ask Daniil to catch it for me to skin and sell its scales on the dark web then in the commotion I can slip my slender little fingers into his pocket crack and grab the goods” Oops there’s that pesky sand dune again!!! Time to steal money from an ugly person <3 once again there was that little goblin speeding around the ice like a zamboni our of hell. Ugh everything he does is so annoying, crude, disgusting and unoriginal. She walked over to him like a spunky puma but somehow forget the script she made up underwater earlier and panicked “Danny boy come here you little sexy piece of crap!!! I need you to do a few multiple things for mommyyyyy!!! First of all..” she stopped alive in her tracks and tried to not to laugh as hard she could try because Daniils face had something wrong on it “where are your eyeballs Mister”  
“Ohhh I tried to look punk so I shaved them off accidentally again”  
“Gross...you are so disgraceful to everything and everyone….anyways please go to my cottage and put a very large tarp down in the backyard and start to spray water and soap on it because I need to give Tarasova a bath this week, then take my cat for a walk because he’s been getting a little claustrophobic being outside all the time, then I need you buy me Ivan Igor and Sofia a 3day all inclusive resort vacation to Crimea and Iran, then go to Lowe’s and get me a bunch of wooden planks because Trusovas birthday is coming up and I’m going to be the host and she wants a pirate ship, then wax my every shoelace end ok thank you maybe I will shake your head for the trouble”  
“You got it baby mmm I love you so much can you lock me in the small cage tonight if I do well”  
“I’ll think about it”  
“Ok I also just bought your tickets for the resort since that seemed easy here are your tickets baby”  
“Awww you are so bad at everything except buying me things with your money! Thank you! Bye bye!!!”  
And now it was time to do what most ice dancers do for training, be dramatic. So after a long sixteen hours of breakdancing to the quintessential Mandy Moore song I Wanna Be With You and getting a level 2 on their finnstep they felt pretty accomplished and made their way back to the house. On the car ride home Ivan was acting like a very strange kind of not like himself and they all noticed it so Sofia decided to use her special father daughter language to ask him what was wrong.   
“Dad, የፍርሀትዎ ላብ የተስፋ መቁረጥን ደም እያሳየ ነው። አብራራ”  
“የእውቀት አጋንንቶች የአባላተ ወሊድ አካሄዴን ጨምረዋል”  
“የተዛባ ፍቅርን ወንጀል ለእኔ እንደገና አትናገር ፣ ነገር ግን የተቀበልኩኝ መልስ በጣም የሚስማማ ነው”  
Sasha looked at her daughter with eyes that were expecting an answer and Sofia said “oh he’s just feeling a little menopausal I think he’s fine”   
Sasha smiled and rested her beautiful little porcelain skull upon the headrest and let the great song they were listening to on the radio (Party In the USA) relax her on the way home.   
At dinner time Ivan kept looking at his phone like a sleuthy little criminal and then briskly hiding it once he was done typing.   
“Kids and Ivan, mommy with her great skills of being sexy and deceitful has gotten us an expense paid vacation to the Black Sea this weekend! After a long week of not working hard and Igor being gay in front of us I thought we could all get away from the hustle and bustle of Moscow life and enjoy a beautiful time in the sun together”  
Sofia and Igor jumped up on the table like two rabid chimpanzees and began to demolish the table with their bare teeth from sheer excitement. Once the table had been shredded to bits of a failed beaver dam Ivan looked at his kind of wife with the news “Honey I can’t go with you all. My computer has been really sick and I have to put her down this weekend :(“   
“WHAT you ungrateful bastard!!!! Sofia Igor go get your apocalypse bags we will be staying with Grandma Tatiana until someone here learns to appreciate the sexy, intelligent, rude and amazing kind of half wife I am to him!” And suddenly like a tornado they were all gone from the house and it was just Ivan sitting amongst the pile of sawdust his children had turned the table into moments before.   
“I’m ready” he sent the text.


	9. Sleepover at Nannies

Sasha rolled up in her horse drawn buggy to the barbed wire fence of Tarasovas estate and began throwing Roman candles into the yard to let her know they had arrived. Sesame! The gates opened just like a sesame. As they rolled up to the front of TATs house she ran out to them weeping with excitement and double fisting Lysol spray cans. “Beloved Sasha! My grand babies! My how much you’ve grown! Open your mouths for granny!” And spritz spritz spritz she sprayed them all down the trap with the disinfectant spray and then let them kiss her. “What has my stupid godson done this time to drive away his family from the house now!” Tarasova asked  
“Well that unappreciative little skunk turned down our family weekend getaway! And after all that work I put into making Daniil pay for it, book the flights and hotel and make the itinerary, THATS how he shows his appreciation!”  
“What a bitch! Men are trash! Come on in let’s do jello shots :)”  
After everyone had a blood alcohol level in the double digits they had all sat by the fireplace to listen to one of their grandmas miraculous stories of somehow saving the world again. “And then I told president Kennedy that if he didn’t like all those missiles in Cuba he just didn’t have to look that way! And the little stinker tried to challenge me but I was young and naive and very sexy so I offered him a sloppy dome session if he’d lay off the USSR and it all worked out! That’s how I single handedly ended the missile crisis” said TAT with a lot of effort of trying to talk through the vodka. “Grandma I don’t think that’s how any of that happened” noticed Sofia out loud. “Listen smarty pants I don’t give a fuck if you’ve been colonizing mars you better respect your elders” snapped back Tarasova. Sofia rolled her eyes then Igor accidentally kind of on purpose dropped his phone and the image he had pulled up was a picture of Adam Rippons Sports Illustrated naked butt cover. Gasp! Is what Tatiana did. “Igor! Why are looking at BUTT FOR GUYS!”  
“Oh grandma ummmm I guess nobody filled you in...I’m gay”  
“Really??!!!!?? I thought that was an urban legend”  
“Grandma you’ve literally met Guillaume Cizeron”  
“Oh yeah lol ok cool! Do you have boyfriend or are you a loser <3”  
“TATIANA ANATOLYEVNA” interjected Sasha “my baby boy just did the bravest thing ever by coming out to all of his family that doesn’t care at all, he needs some time to emotionally recover before he starts to look for a boyfriend husband!”  
“You know my dears I’m so bad at all this gay lingo, it’s been a struggle ever since Yagudin secretly started sucking off Plushenko and I still haven’t managed to learn a single thing let me learn I am ready to listen :)”  
That was a good enough response from an old Slavic lady they all kinda decided so now it was time for bed before they hopped on the jet to Sevastopol tomorrow. As they all were making their way to their own guest bathrooms to sleep for the night Tarasova stopped Sasha for a quick little interrogation. “Sasha you mustn’t tell a soul but I haven’t heard from Alexei in a few days I think something bad happened to him 

“Uhhhhhhhhhh well maybe he is just getting a haircut but it ended up being really bad and he got embarrassed and is in hiding” she thought quickly on her feet like a mental quickstep   
“Oh you’re right. Come here give Grammy a hug. I’m so happy, overjoyed, pleased, excited, thankful and blessed you all came over for a visit tonight. Now go get that beauty rest looks like you’ve been not getting enough of it lately by the look of that face”   
Ok ouch that was a little rude but Sasha brushed it off and went to her little bathtub and leapt off into slumberland.


	10. Ivan the Terrible and Paul the Conqueror are coronated as the Kings of Russia

Knock knock said the door. Probably about four hours had passed since Ivan’s family had abandoned him and he had to tidy up the house a little extra more than usual to be ready for his special adult guest and now would you look at who is at the door! “Bonjour you little Slavic merde” entered Paul with a machete pressed upon Ivan’s inner thigh. Wow he was getting right down to business right away. “Umm hello Paul would you like some sparkling water or whatever you gay people drink”  
“Listen here you stupid squirrel I’m a maniac, im a psychopath, I love seeing people in pain, I haven’t had sex in 14 minutes, I’m a virgin and I want you to fuck me like one” Paul said with a look in his eyes that one could only describe as the Ted Bundy special. “Look buddy I’m all for a good time but you have to take it step by step I’m not ready for you to tear through my track like a nascar driver and leave faster than horse frightened by a freight train”  
“Well in that case let’s set the mood ;)” and somehow with a little bit of witchcraft or something he swiveled his hips and the sky started playing Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden and he slowly led Ivan over to the couch with his machete and Ivan plopped down onto the cushion as soft as a feather. Then it all began with Paul removing Ivan’s pants leg by leg using only his tongue. And before Ivan knew it he was on top of him staring into his eyes like a crystal ball that was about to give him the answers to all he needed to know. Paul began to caress his armpits one by one and with his fast little fingers Ivan felt as relaxed as he usually does when he pops two too many valiums. Then like a potter at the spinning wheel Paul lathered up his hands with the laundry detergent and began stroking Ivan’s little thing with as much care as an architect building a sand castle by the waves. It was nirvana and heaven and hell all at once. Paul put his head underneath Ivan’s shirt to do the conjoined twin trick and ripped apart the shirt seam by seam all while their hot naked torsos were touching and then not touching and the touching again. What ensued for the rest of the night could only be described as something that would be content considered ban worthy on onlyfans. They did the bald eagle, they did the opposite hands for the opposite body, the old Inuit totem pole, the ostrich in the sand, the peanut butter jelly time, and before they knew it just before Ivan was fully submerged into Paul’s nasal cavity the sun began to rise. They both jumped onto the floor all sweaty and sinful and out of their own breath. Ivan slowly reached over and interlaced his fingers in Paul’s toes. “That was the best tutorial for being gay I’ve ever gotten yet! Igor is going to be so prepar...OH DAMN IT!” Paul looked over to him with eyes wide as a cruise ship lookout looking at an iceberg dead ahead. “IGOR!!! You told me it was a really obscure person that was an aunts cousin friends husband person!!! Not your son!!! You can’t tell him all this stuff he’s just a kid!!!”  
“Paul he’s 22 I think he’s ready to know”  
“What…..I thought he was 11…”  
“Yeah I forget his age too sometimes I think he’s 79 haha”  
“Ivan I could’ve just done all of that with him and actually I would’ve liked that a lot better you smell kinda weird and also I was really distracted by the rash you have on the back of your neck”  
“Ok no need to get all picky like a pickle mr Gaybecqouis these are the things a son needs to hear from his father not some sadistic serial shoplifter like you” Ivan was rolling his eyes so hard he thought he might lose them  
“You know what maybe I’m starting to think you just did this as an excuse to get this little slice of sizzle and it was never about your son!”  
“No!!!! I love gay people and all but i don’t participate in it 

“Ivan you were inside of me for the past seven hours you definitely do participate in it”  
“No that was method acting look it up sweaty and while you’re looking that up get out of my house before I tip off the police about the locations of all the bodies you were grunting about while we were in the Polyenisian Pinwheel”  
“Alright WHATEVER I could’ve been the worst thing that’s ever happened to you but you’re too afraid to love me but only because you’re afraid to love yourself and I hope you never can live with that in your life”  
“You’re being weird please vacate the premise”  
And as swiftly as a fox crossing the road, Paul exited the house and Ivan lay on the floor stretched and flexed both physically, mentally and emotionally like he’d never been before. “Igor has the best dad ever” he thought as he closed his eyes for a quick twenty hour nap.


	11. Blacking out in the Black Sea

Time is a social construct and sooner than you’d know it Sasha Igor and Sofia woke up and it was time for their wonderful little mom and kid vacation to Crimea!!! Swift as a honeybee they grabbed their luggage, kicked Tarasova in the knees and made their way to Moscow Sheremetyevo Airport to board their flight. Before they knew it they arrived in the cosmopolitan city of Sevastopol and they were ready to hit the town for a night of fun, drama, exploration and shots :) They got to the two star Motel Daniil had booked for them and changed into their floral sundresses and made their way to the pool bar ready for some lights, some cameras and some action ;) The pool was so amazing because it actually was just the entire Black Sea and the water slide was a 50 ft drop of concrete. They all downed about sixteen drinks of alcohol and then jumped into the pool like a bunch of penguins hopping into the Arctic. As they were dog paddling around all having laughs about Sasha telling the kids how Daniil accidentally removed his eyeballs again there was suddenly a shift of the tides turning. Sofia at first thought it was just the moon coming up into the sky but would you believe it was actually two moons that were the ass of a man named James Charles. This was almost a perfect sort of aligning of the stars as there was the time that the family became a family and Sasha swam over to her prized son and pointed very obviously to Mr Charles. “Igor honey this is your time to shine! He is open for business!” Said Sasha  
“Mom I’d really rather not actually do anything with him at all… I want my first time to be special and I want it to be with someon..”  
“Ok whatever PRUDE catch me if you can”  
And like a little orca she propelled herself into the water so fast it was actually probably humanly impossible.  
“MOM STOP IT THE UKRANIANS WILL THINK YOURE A TORPEDO WE DONT NEED WW3”  
“I can’t hear you because I’m so far away you can’t catch me at all!!!:)”  
“MOM STOP YOURE GOING TOO FAR” said Sofia and Igor in hystericals  
It was too late, she had crossed the international date line of Crimea and the Ukrainian radar had picked her up as a mysterious fast object and began to fire missiles onto the little town of Sevastopol and everything was on fire unfortunately. Leisurely as a little mermaid with a fork and a crab Sasha swam back to her kids that were in a very pissy kind of mood because their mom had just elevated the geopolitical tensions of Eastern Europe. “Mom! You’re so embarrassing! You started another round of fighting in the Crimean war! We can’t take you anywhere” said her kids so mad they were red as a tomato. “Ohhh whatever you young kids just don’t know how to live a little and have some fun while you’re at it”  
Fortunately James Charles had been hit by a missile that parted the waves of his cakes and he was now currently deceased so luckily Igor wouldn’t have to hear the end of his mom trying to set him up with him. Now they were in a bit of a predicament because here’s the thing the missiles had completely destroyed the entire motel and killed pretty much everyone else or left them badly injured enough that they would be alive for not even long. “What the hell are we going to do now since mom pretty much annihilated the entire Crimean peninsula?” Asked Igor. “Look here sonny boy you’re dad was already ungrateful for me booking this trip and if we waltz back to Moscow with our heads hung low like a cowbell I’ll never ever in my life ever hear the end of it from him. So pick your little homo head up we’re going to have a little camping time trip and canoe back to Russia :)” said their mom. This family really can’t catch a break at all ever but they all stole a few tubs of peanut butter from the hotel fridge and started waltzing out into the Crimean countryside to have a night of fun under the stars on their way back to Russia.


	12. Ivan pays the price for saying no to Sashas vacation by having a lot of bad stuff happen

Well eventually Ivan woke up to the weekend of himself all alone in the house of his family which was pretty actually depressing so he decided to do a little renovating to keep his mind off of everything. He decided that first of all to do on the to do list was to go cut the lawn grass by grass with his favorite pair of nail clippers. So he put in his AirPods ™ hit play on the This Is Beyoncé Spotify playlist and got his hands to the work of the field. After he was onto his 413th little grass piece he looked across the street at a spectacle that was definitely meant for him on purpose to see which was Paul Poirer in a hot little Speedo walking around in slow motion to vacuum the outside of his car. Ivan was pretty quite really annoyed because he really told that little hot piece of Canadian ass that after their night of intimacy it was to be no more any longer but look at who was making himself the centerpiece of the neighborhood. Ivan tried to ignore the little sideshow spectacular that was going on but eventually he didn’t have any other choice than to pause his work and go give that Mr Poirier a piece of his mind.   
“I don’t know who you think you are! Walking into my neighborhood vacuuming your car like a hot little Vegas showgirl trying to win me back but you can take your sexy little tight ass back to Toronto because you’re not going to use your tricks to work with me like you think you are”  
“Vanya please I’ve changed my ways. You showed me what it’s like to be a good person and I only murdered three people today AND I DIDNT EVEN EAT ONE OF THEM I donated their parts to charity!!!”   
And before Ivan could open his mouth to rebuke this little personification of satan, there was a helicopter that very fast at the speed of light suddenly crashed into the koi pond of the family house. These two boys would have to save their homoerotic tension for another time!!!! They both ran over to the downed copter and a familiar face was swimming to the surface quite disoriented and confused. It was Viktoria Sinitsina! They should’ve known, after the 34th DWI ticket she had to give up her car but with a nice little loophole loop she got a helicopter to transport herself all around the city like the queen she was. “Boys help me! But also Nikita is in the helicopter too!”   
“Ok little miss dazed and confused we don’t work for free you only get one rescue” said both   
“Ok well I’m the most important so come save the queen”  
They did that.   
“Thank you both for saving me so much I owe you everything ever I can imagine” Vika said.   
“Ok well how about you retire” said Ivan   
“No <3 can you guys make some lunch all that aviation disaster made me hungry like a sheep”  
They all went into the beautiful kitchen of Ivan’s house and he started making a great classic meal of granola burgers while Paul and Vika chatted away like the enemies they were.   
After their really nice meal of burger they went to fetch Nikitas body from the pond and even though Paul said his previous victims body parts were given away earlier that day he actually lied and still had a few brains left over so they just did a little switcharoo on mr Katsalapov and made him wired to be more nice and less creepy because there’s only room for one psychopathic serial killer in ice dance and that was Paul. As they all sat down on the coffee table to have a little iced Red Bull drink of the afternoon they turned on the news and saw “CRIMEA DID WAR AGAIN AND EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IS ON FORE AND DEAD” OH NO! That’s where Ivan’s family is!   
“Vanya honey we can fix up the helicopter and go on a search and rescue mission ourselves to get your families corpses back :)” said Paul   
“Yeah you’re right that’s a really good idea that we will do” and off to Lowe’s they went to buy some electrical cables and screws and hammers and they started fixing up the old heli for the mission of a lifetime with four people that all hate each other so much.


	13. Mission Impossible: it is not impossible at all and actually works out <3

Sasha and Sofia and Igor has been hiking for about a day through the lovely hills by the shores of the Black Sea when they decided it was about that time of the day to stop again and set up a little camp. “Mom I somehow feel like the complete decimation of Crimea can all be traced back to me being gay...like if we hadn’t needed to take this little vacation to get away from the stress of murdering the 2002 Olympic champion for my gay anniversary dinner all this bad stuff wouldn’t have happened” Igor spoke up over the sounds of boiling beans and peanut butter that the family was cooking up. “Igor baby no!!! It actually can all be traced to when your parents gave up being your parents and gave you away :) never forget that <3” said Sasha  
“That doesn’t make feel any better at all actually that makes me feel so much more worse”  
“Well we all can’t be little innocent bluebirds flying around in life now shut up and eat your beans a la nut for mommy!!!!”  
Igor rolled his eyes like he usually does when his mom reassured him and makes him feel worse a lot. The dinner was actually probably one of the worst meals to ever exist anywhere in the world and it was so gross they all threw it up and just boiled the salt out of the seawater and ate that instead. After a long sunset watching time and Sasha telling Igor about all the penises she’d seen before and Sofia telling everyone how many kilometers each star in the sky was far away from them they decided it was time to hit the sack and sleep. “Goodnight my little chickpeas mommy still loves you even though all you do is cause grief, struggle and drama in my life:)”  
“Goodnight mom thanks for letting me talk about space I wish I was out there right now instead of on this hellhole of a planet with you problematic people” wow Sofia was starting to get a little attitude huh  
“Goodnight mom thanks for gaslighting me into thinking that the ongoing Crimean crisis was all the fault of my dead parents” man Igor was even being a little more sassy than he usually would be all the time. Sasha was starting to get a little fed up with these little brats thinking that they could just have opinions about her and her parenting. Maybe tomorrow she would drown them in the sea and go back to Russia herself...wait a minute I think they all hear a sound in the sky that’s not usually there let’s pay attention. Oh my goodness! It’s a helicopter, probably one Putin sent out to murder them all! Everyone stopped to hide then as fast as you could never guess a rope dropped down onto their camp. A loud voice comes on over the speaker with a familiar voice they all knew “Sasha! Sofia! Igor! My beloved family daddy is here don’t you worry anymore! You’re safe now! Climb on up!” They all cracked their knuckles and started climbing up the rope and into this little rickety helicopter. They all saw Ivan and ran over and reunited once again like the perfect little troubled family they were. Everybody was crying so hard and they really missed Ivan so much and who would’ve thought that leaving him out of a vacation would’ve been such a worldwide problem. “Ivan honey I’m so sorry I was ever mean to you! No I’m not! I love you though” said Sasha with tears streaming down her face like a waterfall of gratitude and Ivan hugged her so much and said “Never forget I will do anything for you and the kids but only if it’s coincidentally convenient for me first <3” he gave them all a blanket and some hot buckets of French onion soup to eat on the long ride back to Moscow. “Hello it’s your captain Viktoria speaking and I’m drunk again! Just kidding! Yes I am hold on everyone it’s gonna be a rocky road through the skies but not because of turbulence but because of me :)” ughhh Sinitsina being a troublemaker once again! Oh well! It did not matter. What was the best thing that mattered the most to any of them was that they were reunited and finally out of that wretched land of Crimea and they could go back to their warm cozy beds in Moscow and be a family like they were supposed to again and Igor could still be gay but just very discreetly and quietly and Sasha would never take Ivan for granted ever again yes she would, and Sofia was smiling ear to ear and talking with her dad in their special language and Ivan has his family back together and his best frenemies Vika, Paul and Nikita there to do all the dirty work so he could solely focus on the apples of his eye and enjoy the efforts of this daring and important humanitarian rescue of only the people he cared about.


	14. Sunday is the day of rest but not for the living only for the dead but even the dead may not be exempt from this one

Well ok that was a pretty annoyingly dramatic and over the top and pesky little emotional time the family had all together yesterday but luckily with Vikas drinking and flying skills they arrived to their house late on Saturday in the morning and all took a day to sleep like little eggs under a warm light. Unfortunately for literally everyone Paul Vika and Nikita had to spend the night because the brain they switched into nikitas head hadn’t learned how to drive yet, and Paul didn’t know how to drive with Russian rules and Vika was still pretty quite way too drunk so they all ended sleeping over. The Sunday morning sun rose up in the sky and Sasha and Ivan walked into the kitchen and opened the dishwasher to let their guests out of their room and started making them a nice complimentary breakfast of fresh grass and egg and macaroni and cheese. Well here’s the thing now Ivan told Sasha that he needed a father son bonding time day all to himself and Igor and he didn’t care what Sasha did with Sofia and the guests of trouble but she would have to entertain herself for the day. After the gourmet breakfast that would make Gorodon Ramsey really not too angry if he ate it, Ivan swept his son up, zipped him into his backpack and zoomed off in the car leaving the rest of everybody else to figure out what to do for themselves.  
“Dad I’m so excited to see what you have planned for our father son day together” said Igor from inside the backpack in the trunk  
“Yes son I can guarantee it will be a day you will never forget because you will learn the best information ever you will hear”  
Ok was that a hint to where and what they would be doing on the agenda today! Maybe <3 Well anyways Ivan has to stop to get a new car because this one ran out of gas again and after that little stool in the pool they were back on the way to the road where they were going to go.  
“Dad if I correctly guess where you’re taking me can you tell me :)”  
“Sure son but I don’t think you’ll ever know”  
“Ok what if I get a few hints :)”  
“No. Ok. So it will help you learn about how to be good at sex”  
“Hmmm that could be anywhere!!!”  
“Well you’re the one that thinks life is but a game of jeopardy and you better be answering my $400 question right now if you know what’s best for you pal”  
“Ok don’t make this weird it already is. Ummmmm the aquarium :)”  
“What the hell no there’s animals there what did you not understand about there being sex involved”  
“Sorry I forgot I hit my head pretty hard on the Crimean concrete water slide on Friday”  
“Oh so now you want me to be a dad and your primary care physician”  
“No whatever ok I’ll guess again…..hmm a place about sex...Peterhof Palace”  
“No you’re wrong and we’re already here so get out of the car you little stupid ass haha”  
And this they began walking up to a very ominous looking building. What the hell this looked like a place for Scientology… “hello man at the front desk two tickets please”  
“Oh well if it isn’t our number one fan of the mausoleum Mr Ivan Bukin! And is that his kiddo???wow he’s looking so grown up! How old are you now buddy”  
Igor blushed and answered like a shy little school kid “22 but almost 23 in August :)”  
“Well good for you for making it this long didn’t think you’d live past 13 with how weird your head is shaped, thought those brains would get smashed up there when you’d grow hahaha ok well come in everyone”  
Well that was uncalled for and Igor has a nice head so they didn’t know what he was talking about. Well well well did you wouldn’t look at what they walked in on! Lenin’s body <3 “ok we gotta make this fast son” said Ivan and he start unzipping his pants and taking off his shoes  
“DAD WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!”  
“Well I learned a lot of gay sex from a tutorial that Paul gave me in real life but we got into a little personal problems and so I thought Lenin’s corpse would be the next best thing for a demonstration”  
“The lengths that both you and mom are interjecting yourselves into my sex life is getting really weird and strange and I’m really fine and have plenty of information already but this is definitely the weirdest thing either of you have thought of” well before Igor could get to the point of the argument Ivan was crawling like a Spider-Man in Lenin’s tomb! OH NO! He fell! Uh ohhh Lenin got deflated :( shit! They gotta get the hell out here right fast as a turkey from a butcher! They jumped into the vents and started crawling their way out of the place. The guards came in and arrested the first person they saw which was coincidentally Daniil so he won’t be participating in the story anymore due to prison. Anyways they ran off to their cool little car and sped off as fast as the car could as possible.  
“That’s not really what I had planned do you want to go get some soup and push people into the river son”  
“Sure dad :)”  
Maybe the Sunday wasn’t ruined for the boys after all along so far <3


	15. Sofia and Sasha and Sea Monkey

Well ok Sasha and Sofia decided to spend their little bonding time together at the local pet smart by volunteering to walk the guinea pigs for their day. Paul, Vika and Nikita all had to wait in the hot car with the windows rolled up and the ac off because they started to get a big attitude when Sasha tried to serve them some ketamine as an after breakfast treat. Really rude! Anyways they were old enough to deal with a little heat stroke, god gives his toughest soldiers to his strongest battles. Anyways back to the people that matter the most in this chapter. “Mom look this guinea pigs name is Subway! Let’s take her for a walk!”  
“Ok girly let me find the cashier to get her out of that cage :)”  
Well Sasha walked over to the cashier line and ugh you wouldn’t want to guess who it was that was at the counter and the only person that was even working!!!!! Evan Bates!!  
“Mister Bates it’s me the true queen of no skating skills, anyways we want to take the guinea pig that’s named Subway for a walk :)” politely demands Sasha  
“Hey Sasha! <3 Um well sorry I can’t do that you see you and your daughter are on the no walk list” and he rudely as witch points to a wall with Sasha and Sofia’s faces plastered up on it 30 feet big “since you’ve taken so many of our furry friends we can only let you walk the animals with supervision from a store manager and Raf isn’t working today :(“  
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life, let us take subway for a walk”  
“Well it’s not so dumb when you consider the fact that you and your family have stolen 47 anteaters, 6 dogs, 4 pythons, 4 squids, 3 ferrets, 2 shrimp and a blue jay from the store…”  
“We only did that as an April fools joke quit being so butthurt and let me take subway for a walk!!!”  
“Ok here’s the deal Miss Moscow since business is pretty slow I’ll lock up the front doors and supervise a walk with you and subway in the back alley”  
“Aww you’re so sweat :)”  
They walked over to Sofia and put little miss Subway into one of those hamster ball things and Sofia started calling her towards the back door. But! Subway broke free and started running like a runny egg and they all scrambled to catch the little mischievous hamster thing. After about 35 minutes of running and screaming they lost Subway. Man this is so unfortunate. But as luck would have itself a lucky time, Sofia found the best idea ever. It was a box of sea monkeys! All you had to do was buy them in water and they would start growing and then in a month you’d have the best salad topping ever.  
“Mom can we PLEASE get the sea monkey!!!”  
“Honey that seems like a big responsibility and with your fathers gambling addiction flaring up again we don’t need any more things to keep alive”  
“But mom! You’d buy it for Igor if he wanted it! You don’t care about me that’s why you always send me to Mars so you can finally get away from me and YOU KNOW WHAT I like it that way! This family is ruining my everything! AhhhhhhhhhHHhHHHHHHH”  
And Sofia kept screaming for like way too long and Evan looked at Sasha to shut her daughter up but Sasha was smarter than this little brat. She’d either run out of air or tire herself out. Well this time was different and Sofia kept going for even more way too long.  
“Ugh FINE get those ugly little shrimps but they aren’t staying in the house they can have a little kiddie pool in the backyard”  
Yay! Ok so they go and buy the sea monkey and go back into the car with Paul Vika and Nikita all crying bc it was so hot and they were attention seeking. On their way home they had to stop at Walmart to get a pool for the little ocean orangutans though. Anyways they’re home now  
“Mom fill up the pool and we can hatch these things!”  
“Whatever bitc….darling :)”  
And so they did that then dumped in the sea monkey egg and waited for a few minutes to see if anything would happen. Nothing.  
“Mom by the way I actually caught subway and smuggled her out of the store do you want to go inside and give her a bath”  
“Aww that’s my girl let’s blow this pool stand”  
And they walked off to back inside the house while something started to happen inside the pool.


	16. Something bad happens again but this time it happens at night time

Well so Igor and Ivan came back home to a house of pandemonium because what Evan Bates failed to tell the girls at Pet Smart before they stole subway was the fact that she was missing the entire legs on the right side of her body. So Sasha and Sofia built her some little wheels like a hamster hot rod but Subway started acting up by chewing through all of Nikitas shoes so they had to take away her wheels as punishment and she went to bed without dinner. Anyways Nikita got his mean streak again and started yelling at Sasha and Sofia because now his favorite pair of jeans had a giant anus hole but clearly it wasn’t the girls fault that subway like to eat Katsalapov pant. So there was a lot of fighting going on with Vika Nikita and Sasha and Sofia (not like there’s anything weird about that) and Paul accidentally shot Nikita in the midst of the argument and Vika and Nikita left to go to the gun hospital. So now it was just the 4 of them the family plus Paul because apparently he doesn’t know when his presence is no longer needed. Anyways they all say down for a dinner time meal of popcorn and mayonnaise casserole while Igor told everyone how they accidentally destroyed Lenin’s corpse. Man that was so funny. “Oh my little homo I’m so glad you and your dad had a nice day! Unlike me and someone wicked and bitch over here” said Sasha rolling her eyes like a pair of bowling balls  
“Shut the fuck up bitch, Igor we got sea monkeys do you want to see?”  
“Omg yeah!”  
And they all jumped up to go towards the backyard when there was suddenly a knocking at the front door. That’s weird because it’s late on a Sunday, well not that late actually. So maybe it wasn’t weird. It was weird that the person knocked because they have a doorbell that plays Starships by Nicki Minaj whenever someone rings and there was no reason for the mystery person at the door to bypass that. Hmmm  
“Sasha get the gun from the coat closet and give it to me” said Ivan   
“What the hell! It’s probably just another orphan from sambo looking for a few meal scraps”   
And Sasha walked over to the door and opened it and surprisingly it’s not who she thought it was at all. It was actually an octopus.   
“What the hell is this”  
“Hello I am the octopus called Ethiopia. My fellow octopi and I have become aware that you have fostered our existence and cultivated our lives in the sacred pool of the backyard. We want to thank you for awakening us. However we demand that you give us all the soup inside the house as we have empty stomach and we are about to go kill Elizabeth Tuktmysheva”  
And the family peered outside to see about four hundred octopi on their front lawn   
“Mom I don’t think those are sea monkeys” said Sofia and Sasha slammed the door as hard as a rock.   
“Shit shit Ivan what are we going to do that’s too many octopi for just five people to take on” said Sasha  
“Hello miss god we are awaiting our soup” said Ethiopia   
“You guys think that just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m not Canadian and havent harpooned a few whales” said Paul  
Interesting. Did he have a thought?  
“Get all the knives from the kitchen and meet me upstairs. Igor stay here and gossip with Ethiopia to keep him distracted”  
The work begins. They all grab the knives and some rope from Sasha and Ivan’s room and run up to the attic and begin preparing for battle meanwhile Igor talks to Ethiopia   
“Why can’t we watch you guys make the soup again” perplexed Ethiopia  
“It has a special secret ingredient that’s illegal in everywhere so even though we trust you guys so much we can’t show you what it is ok”  
“Whatever dude we just want our soup how much longer”   
Paul pokes his head around the stairs and motions for Igor to come up   
“Count to 23 and then come on in <3”  
“Ok 123456789101112131415161718192021 here we come”  
And the octopi began to slither their way into the house


End file.
